Ilaria Rosella Pagliaro Even the sweetest phrases can hurt if spoken at the wrong time: what we really communicate to our children with everyday words
It often happens that, in an attempt to console a child, a parent uses words that seem reassuring but actually end up denying what the little one is experiencing. According to child therapist Kelsey Mora, children have a deep need to be seen and heard. However, even the most affectionate expressions, if poorly calibrated, can teach them to doubt their own emotions.
This happens not from a lack of love, but from a very common instinctive mechanism among adults: the desire to quickly resolve emotional discomfort, to immediately calm crying or an outburst of anger. But when certain phrases are repeated over time, the message that reaches the child is that their feelings aren’t right, or even that they should suppress them to feel loved.
A study published in 2002 in the journal Child Abuse & Neglect by Elizabeth Krause, Tamar Mendelson and Thomas Lynch highlighted that growing up in an environment where emotions are systematically invalidated can lead, in adulthood, to the development of chronic emotional inhibition. This means that the individual will tend to suppress what they feel, with significant consequences on anxiety, depression and psychological health.
Ten common phrases that seem harmless, but aren’t
The following phrases are among the most repeated by parents. They’re often spoken in good faith, with the intention of reassuring. However, they can have the opposite effect.
- “You’re fine.”
It may seem like a way to calm, but it often equals denying what the child feels. A more empathetic response could be: “I understand it hurts, but you’re safe,” which acknowledges the emotion without dramatizing it. - “It’s not a big deal.”
Downplaying what the child is experiencing doesn’t help them feel better. Even a small frustration, for them, can be enormous. Better to say: “It seems difficult for you, do you want to tell me what you’re feeling?“ - “Don’t cry.”
Crying isn’t a sign of weakness, but a way to process emotions. Replacing it with “It’s okay to cry, I’m here with you” helps the child not be ashamed of their own fragility. - “Don’t get angry.”
Anger is one of the fundamental emotions, not a mistake to be corrected. Saying “I understand you’re angry” promotes healthy management of what you feel. - “Others have it worse.”
An implicit invitation not to complain, but the result is that the child feels wrong for feeling pain. Gratitude doesn’t come from comparison, but from respect for what you feel. - “Everyone else is fine.”
It pushes the child to question their own sensitivity. It’s more useful to remind them that “Everyone perceives things differently,” thus normalizing their experience. - “You need to be strong.”
Behind this encouragement lies the idea that strength coincides with the absence of visible emotions. In reality, accepting vulnerability is part of growing up. - “Stop acting like a baby.”
It’s a humiliating phrase that makes the child ashamed of what they are. Every emotion must be respected, because it’s part of their developmental process. - “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
Saying that fear is unfounded doesn’t make it disappear. A more helpful response is: “I understand it scares you. I’m here with you, let’s face it together.” - “You’re getting angry over nothing.”
A phrase that minimizes and completely invalidates the child’s experience. Even if the adult doesn’t understand the reason for the anger, for the child that feeling is real and must be respected.
Validating children’s emotions doesn’t mean spoiling them
There’s often a fear that welcoming children’s emotions might mean “indulging them” or making them more fragile. But the opposite is true: recognizing what they feel teaches them to name their feelings, developing what psychologists call emotional intelligence.
Numerous studies show that children who learn to recognize and manage emotions become adults who are more resilient, less anxious and socially more competent. You don’t need to be perfect parents, but attentive parents: those who pause before saying “it’s nothing” and choose to truly listen.
Sometimes, a look, a pause, a different phrase is enough to say: “What you feel is important. I’m with you.”
Source: Child Abuse & Neglect
